The Aftertaste of Dear Life

One-Week Thrill

2008-06-29T14:27:00.005+08:00

Girl says:

I think we got a problem, he's too fine.

The way he works his body, man it's blowing my mind.

I know I’m not gonna be okay, if he leaves.

And now he’s got me looking, and he's staring at me.

My situation's changed, all caught up, and I wish that I can fix out.

And we're gonna get up, cause his eyes I can't resist.

He's too fine, he's so fine, he's too fine.

I'd do anything to make him mine.

Boy says:

I never thought I'd say this about some girl.

I used to be a player but she's rocking my world.

I know she's not gonna be okay if I leave.

Cause now her friends are stepping over talking to me.

My situation's changed, all caught up.

And a game that I can’t win now.

And we're gonna get up, cause her ass I can't resist.

She's too fine, she's so fine, she's too fine.
I'd give anything to make her mine

But HI, and SEE YA.

The Most Amazing Eyes In The World

2008-06-25T03:20:00.002+08:00

I knew I could never see her again. But I have never thought that I would be able to feel her essence forever. And I did. Like finally did. A significant tick, we drove passed some old roads near that memorable place. My childhood, my disturbed past, my family that I have already lost, or disowned and missed, stayed there. I was going to request for a short visit, but just being near it made me tear so much, I just couldn’t hang around any longer. I introduced her to everyone in the room, and surprisingly they all gazed at her with much familiarity. Then Blondey whispered to me, “She is here, she is her.” Then I cried hysterically, like a mad half-man. I held her closely in my arms and some kind of scent formed at my nostrils. It overwhelmed my heart and mind. Brown Eyes said something peculiarly sensible before, “When she left you, she took all your past with her. Now you have to let go of her, so you can let go of your past too.” I learnt that OIOI may have left for that favour, but it never meant I had to lose her. I had reached the benchmark of my endurance. But she never came back, simply because she has always been there, and never left. And so she may appear different, but the surface isn’t as important to me anymore because her presence is all that I have ever lived with, and needed to live with. That night, I had one of the best sleep after a long time. Tiesto was spinning ‘Touch Me’, as I admired the humungous milk pancake from the angle that I was lying in bed, overlooking my bedroom window. I thanked Bantal Love again and again as the whole Kusaianliok Family shed tears and value that remarkable moment together.

I finally collected my parcel today. Its been almost a month due but I have no explanation to why I had taken so long. Maybe the Watagwaans should take this front aye. And it feels weird because I don’t actually remember what I had bought online. Strangely I feel afraid to open the package, thinking. Am I ready?

Im clumsy because I am falling in love.

Put You To Bed

2008-06-18T20:04:00.004+08:00

My mind is in a state

Cause all I seem to do is tempt my fate

Well I try every space

But all the while we're crushing at the gate

My mind is in a state

'Cause everything I miss it comes too late

So I try and disappear

But there is only one way out of here

This time, this time

Reality struck me between the eyes

My mind is in a state

But all I need to do is change my pace

And I know there's fear to face

But happiness is firm in its embrace

It is a matter of time. It is a matter of desire. It is the matter of courage. Pick your treat, want it, then fucking do it and you’ll fulfil your wishes. I thought I was getting closure, instead I realised I was opening more doors of opportunities. There’s no need to wallow over shitty moments, everyone gains at one point everyday anyway. Because wasted investments are wasted investments when you keep counting your losses, or pick on only flaws. And life is too short to regret things, especially when you don’t even try, then lose, right?

Distance is nothing but five freaking hours aye. It is really nothing as compared to three reckless minutes, dear heartbreaker.

I was composing my letter to someone meaningful when my under-aged, pre-puberty, a definite straight-up virgin boyfriend caught me crying in an extreme emo state. “Why are you crying?,” he asked caringly. I could not utter a single word. I was shy, a little ashamed, or prolly just afraid. But then he pleaded me gently, he was going to take a picture of me using his mobile phone. When I finally relented to end his undying persistence, he demanded, “Can you please wipe under your eyes first, like got dirty-dirty like that.” Then shortly after the snapshot, he flashed the digital screen at me and mock, “See, I think you look so much better when you are smiling, not crying.” Muahahhahaha. Sneaky boy. He got me a little ‘555’ notebook, he prolly stole from the stationery store nearby. He tricked me into making it mine, as when he handed it to me, he had forced me to write my name on its front cover first. “See, the book has your name, means it’s yours now.” Somehow I misplaced it while attending to a customer, I spotted another little notebook near my counter. It has his name on it. And that was it, a ‘couple notebook’ aye. Seriously, kudos to the young boy who has stolen the heart of a half-man paedophile.

There are these two things I cannot seem to forget. At a recent gathering, Paolo came up to me and said, “I have never seen you this happy for a long time now.” I giggled. Because I know what you mean. Then I met Mr Chateau at Miss Play’s event. Floating in zigzag with my sister down those Arabian streets, I took her hand and whispered into her ear, “Beside those nights in heaven, I don’t actually remember feeling this great, but tonight feels right. Adik, I am really happy.” She simply replied, “I know what you mean.” And so he became my long-lost fantasy, as opposed to my lost fantasy, as I told my new-found fantasy.

And you, my bantal love. You broke my fall, and I can't wait to welcome her into my life.

WATAGWAAN

2008-05-20T01:20:00.011+08:00

You probably think I'm crazy

I don't want you to save me

Don't mean to disappoint you

I'd never felt so free

If you could stand in shoes

Then you would feel my heartbeat too

Which makes me feel it in my heartbeat

The only one, the only one

It may feel old to you but to me it feels new

You know I feel it in my heartbeat

Don't you know, can't you see, when I dance I feel free

Which makes me feel like the only one

The only one

That the light shines on

Thank you for the effortless rides everyday like I live in the East, the presence everyday like I hate to but ‘akucakapajalaaa’, the scandalous comfort everyday like my body is a pillow, the unwelcomed surprises everyday at work like I have nothing better to look forward to, than you lunchtime/afterschool fuckers, the emails everyday like blogging can be a downer when the most meaningful things can always be said from the heart, or to the face personally, the long/short-distance phonecalls everyday like I don’t need sleep, the breaking of every inch of my virginity everyday like the night can never stop us from exploring the wonders of this tiny island. Everyday was made possible, or possibly impossible if not for you fuckers. Everyday I love all of you, and everyday I feel like I got laid.

So, 'Blog of the day!' I would like to thank Allah (may peace be upon him), again and again for such genuine friendships. Now see my booty get down like OH!

http://www.diebitchdie.blogspot.com

2008-05-20T00:17:00.010+08:00

Images Of Death - WATAGWAAN!!! - says:
1 blog entry dedicated to me
stay away from my pinky
naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak?
alaaaaa kau cakap aja laaa
tear/cut my heart/pants open

no registration required

To this dear husband/loser I'm madly in love with, I think you’re fugly. And for all good times, and fucking-random-stupid-horrid times, thank you.

La Vie En Rose

2008-04-24T22:29:00.003+08:00

“There are more to just words, for such a special person”

It was a ‘hushed and bare’ morning today. I got too jaded by my daily routine so I started messing my feets in those dirty puddles on the busy street. A casual stranger in a suit came up to me and asked, “Do you feel cold?” Not that I have issues against talkative morning people (especially in bed), but I was dumbfounded. Then hesitantly, I answered hastily, “Cold? I just think I feel late, thanks, so if you don’t mind.” After a quick grin I walked away, swiftly towards my chocolate paradise. Three hours later, the incident played in my mind again, and I felt horrible. Why was I pushing away such a caring soul? Then while I was praying with my shiny baby beads at work, someone interrupted, “Oh so you work here?” It was him, again. That talkative morning person.

TMP: Gloomy Thursday?

Me: Of course not. Yet. The 24th is always a charming date. Looking for a gift?

*A dreadful 15 minutes later*

*Herny reads gift card, then gazes at his wedding band*

Me: It’s for your wife?

TMP: Nope. I don’t love my wife as much as this woman. But I know love them both very deeply.

*Herny awards him the ‘you-fucking-womaniser-cum-asshole’ look*

Me: Mistress?

TMP: Nope. She is just the longest love of my life.

Me: And your wife?

TMP: She is the only woman, and wife in my life, and of course the only possibility of me getting laid in my grateful marriage life. She is love too, but just a different kind of love.

It took me some time to understand it, but I learnt. He was right. It is impossible to marry someone you truly love. Because the truth is nobody loves only one person ultimately. I pondered over Ralph and his little Mariam, my very own mother with my sisters and I, and even myself. There is love you can’t live without, there is love you just cant let go, there is love like an addiction, and there is love, just purely love that you feel and remember for the rest of your life. I share different kinds of love for many deserving individuals too, just don’t ever question it, because I am pretty sure it exists. But don’t let all your unnecessary doubts trigger ignorant slamming on people who don’t owe you a life. Because it makes you little more uglier than you already are. Intahaa al-mawduu’, hill ‘annii.

So what if I say, I have experienced the landmark and gotten my breakthrough too, dear Brown Eyes?

Rock With You

2008-04-22T03:13:00.005+08:00

Nobody ever stay some place for long,
Everyone leaves at the end of the song,
But I won’t, if you won’t,
I won’t, if you won’t,
I won’t, if you won’t,
If you won’t go.

I received a call from my close cousin yesterday. She was getting hitched again, thus she invited me and The Sister. And before I could even go, “Hey, there’s something I want to tell you too…” My phone just died, again.

I wasn’t really taking a break, instead I have just been diverting my attention to something else, or rather some other people who are necessary. And while you were taking on the evil lead, I just sat back and watched all along. And your shit was merely some kind of seasonal flu, and that moment I sneezed, I had let it all go. And besides, the sun shines for only so long each day, and it’s up to you to make the most out of it. But I can still recall those moments vividly, I kept crying in the car, till I saw the ‘M’ sign and started giggling like a kid again. Then Summer Love starts playing in my head.

Summer’s over for the both of us,
But that doesn’t mean you should give up on us,
You’re the one that I’ve been thinking of,
And I know the day I meet you,
You’ll be the one
I can’t wait to fall in love with you,
You can’t wait to fall in love with me,
This just can’t be summer love, you’ll see

Yeah, we’ll see aye. And Miss Catfight, I am still awaiting your lame updates on ‘MR X IS HOT’, or you can just dream about those arms, and stay with your freaky pink bestfriend instead. Tick tock, tick tock, hah.

Bring Me The Fucking Challenge

2008-04-12T17:36:00.004+08:00

Saw him from a distance
And I watched him make his way to the floor
He walked up to me slowly whispers and he says
“I know who you are, I want to get to know you”
I can tell he was a player
But he knows just how to make you lose control
Somehow I knew

Imagine me and you, because love is cinta. I am tapping my shivering fingers, waiting with that other boleyn girl. As I am quite done with my blueberry nights, and there will be no reservations, anymore. I got confused perhaps, are you chasing me? Or chasing liberty? Here comes my wedding daze. I'll reaasure you, we won't need the license to wed. It feels so wrong, but it must be right. Try me, because I had just switched roles with you. Now take that, baby. Or good luck Chuck. Hah.

Lilies mean, “I dare you to love me.”

Dirty, Evil Gaps

2008-04-09T23:50:00.010+08:00

You got a fast car

I want a ticket to anywhere

Maybe we make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

You got a fast car

But is it fast enough so we can fly away

We gotta make a decision

We leave tonight

Or live and die this way

(photograph by Muhd Arshad)

(http://shadistic.deviantart.com)

(and he made me do this credit)

I don't do one-liners aye. But this time I'll navigate away from my usual, and let the photograph speak my heart. Been stupid for holding the candle in that nasty pouring rain, but they came with such warm shelter to protect me, and my still burning, light. Like Paolo reminded me yesterday, (in his usual army terms, of course), tough times don't last, but tough (wo)men do.

I'll be okay, I promise.

Feel What’s In Between, Then You’ll Know

2008-04-05T05:03:00.004+08:00

Bad starts doesn’t necessarily push towards bad endings. Perhaps that’s why some people tell me that it is prolly the best way to get to know someone. But while it is normal to judge on first or last impressions, I’d rather watch a person’s consistence. Process versus outcome aye. It is like those tasteful surprises from the variety of fillings in my pralines. The same conscience applies to Kaya Toasts. One friendly cleaner near my workplace always offers me those nasty, piping hot toasts almost every morning. “You must try, it is not the bread, it is the kaya, damn shiok, ok ger-gerl?” See, its what’s in between, that rocks. For a perfectionist like me who just adores quality Lapis Cake, seeing the straight lines of tones and flavours bursting wonders from its outlook is simply therapeutic. It is like that orgasmic sensation inside your ears when I am digging it clean enthusiastically.

It is about paying a little more passionate affection on the food in between the eating tip of your chopsticks, because it is that ‘in-between’ thing that brings the fabulous aftertaste on your tongue and kicks the shit in your tummy. Look what’s in between the two of us now, sister? Just love, deep, deep love. Euw. Hee hee.

I was taking a smoke break with such horrid thoughts and those unbearable tears from my restless eyes. I needed something badly, or perhaps someone. And then Ralph popped out of nowhere again, and his presence instantly pulled me out of my complicated distress. Chocolates again, for his little Mariam (she looked very pretty in his wallet) and his wonderful friends at the café. “Thank you, Herny… That’s very nice, Herny… Have a great weekend, Herny … Sure, I’ll send your regards to my darling, Herny… Really, Herny?” I have never spoken to someone who acknowledges me so often in our conversation. He makes me shut up when he talks, and no one has really accomplished that too.

An inimitable hot stuff past the store while I was on the phone with Miss Cupcake. I know he recognised me from our café encounter a long time ago, and vice versa. As he strolled behind the glass panel, he stared deep into my exploding eyeballs, so beautifully and gave me the sexiest half-smile. And that’s just HALF-smile!

He walks back to the store and approaches me.
*Jamiroquai’s ‘You Give Me Something’ starts playing*

HOT FRIDAY: Hey… (pleasant)
Me: Heyyy… (mentel)
HOT FRIDAY: Erm, I hope you have a nice weekend. (sleek)
Me: Hmm, and how do I do that? (macam paham)
HOT FRIDAY: By taking my number, perhaps? (sexy)
Me: Yessssssssss aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (perempuan gila)

Ok woman, you can stop dreaming, now back to work!

I think I am swiftly falling in between a marvel too, and it has to be your embrace, dear heaven.

Tell Me, Something I Don’t Know

2008-04-03T22:05:00.003+08:00

The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.

I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It’s in a million little pieces.
I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Why?
It can’t be fixed.
Why?
It’s broken beyond repair. Its in a million little pieces.

Thank you for your email.

I am away on leave and will only be back in the office in 2009.

I encountered a few amusing email replies from our regular clients today, but that one really hit my G-spot. I laughed too much (just like Miss Cupcake did, when she saw what I wrote for The Bestfriend’s birthday card), till I can feel firm muscles in my stomach now. So now you know, to give me an orgasm, you need to screw my tummy aye.

According to Chris, 3 people die everyday from opening the bottle of Dom Perignon in France. Darn sexy, compared to the death rate for bike accidents in the whole wide world. Tsk. Ralph came by to send a warm Hello early in the morning. Now that’s my fabulous breakfast aye. Miss Cupcake came in as hot brunch at the store and ended her shift as my shit slave (Or prostitute! Prostitute! Prostitute! Yikes!). You are always my best job snack, period. So congratulations on the shiny new one-month baby.

My heartbeats giving me the 195km/h corner ride. I wonder, how would the last few days before my death would be like. Would life suddenly feel perfect? Would all the people in my past reappear to fulfil their last unexpected visits? Would I have too many food cravings, especially for those I don’t actually fancy? Would I be pushed to make the rashest decisions like there’s no tomorrow? Would I stop caring, because I know there’s nothing I could bring with me to my grave? Would I be able to realise all the answers, at least one breathe before I really go?

You can’t undo what’s already broken, but you can do the one who broke it. Fucking hell, just do me then.

His Bike, And My Virgin

2008-03-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

A warning sign, I missed the good part then I realised, I started looking but the bubble burst. I started making excuses.

The marriage proposal, regardless of how serious everyone took it, has given me that enthralling push to achieve all my outrageous fantasies. And so I did it, and it was by far, my wackiest experience.

ME: Promise me you won’t speed ok, near, near only ok.

*Fuck siaaa this girl, helmet also don’t know how to wear*

ME: OMG! OMG! OMG! We are moving! We are on the roads!

ME: BO! I can hear the cars speeding beside me! Aaaaaaaah!

*Bo breaks at the junction, turns and looks to the left*

ME: Fuck! Do you think the couple beside us heard my screaming? Malu siol! Ok I am never turning to my left. We just look at our right side ok?

BO: Erm, macam-macam ah this girl. It would help if you put your hands around my waist and stop being a kental. Grrrrr.

ME: Eh kental eh? Mana aku tahu! Bodoh!

*Then comes the turn*

ME: OMG BO! I think I am falling off! I am dying! Aku nak kahwin tau! And I am dying! (bites his shoulders)

*Herny starts ‘zikir-ing’ to her probable death*

ME: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

*Finally at the carpark, and my eyes were still shut*

BO: Erm, you know, you can get down now. (moves forward)

ME: No laaa, I love sitting on this bike laaa. Hee hee.

*This girl must be up to something, again, what now, tsk*

ME: Erm…Bo…how to get down ah? Malu laaa, the whole world is looking at me! (obviously exaggerating at the quiet spot)

*And finally after his long and patient endurance*

BO: Maaaak, kau turun macam turun kuda laaa! Bodoh.

So there you go, I became joke of the month as I finally took my virgin bike ride, on a Vespa (that’s what its called kan kan kan?)! The rest of the remaining TSP-ians waited eagerly for my arrival; while I was trying to act cool, adjusting my hair like the rest of the girls I used to watch, when they get off their bikes. Macam paham.

Very SECK gila, just the way The Reserved would say it.

Connect Me To The Love Channel

2008-03-23T20:38:00.005+08:00

This is the anthem for the girl that got away. This is the anthem for the world of yesterday. This is the anthem for the rebel of my youth. This is the anthem for the risk of loving you.

“OOOH THAT HERNY SHAMELESS,” says my Sawan Buddy. Well, no loss means no gain too, right Mean Machine? Fuck time. Love waits for no time. I’m gonna take my time, she’s gonna get hers before I. I’m gonna take it slow, Im not gonna rush the stroke. So she can get a sexual eruption. As you can see, unless you are Snoop Dogg, then I’ll spare your balls. If you don’t feel the push for something crazy, it simply means you aren’t genuinely in love.

Right now, my girls are on my mind. Growing up together in the love department have been madness, trust me. Remember how we read that simple sms from we-know-who and we screamed like fucking idiots at Wheelock Place? Nastyyy. That’s besides how my name also changed to Lisa. Tsk. Hell yeah, the anthem’s for us aye.

It’s all about the forbidden and that kinky rush under your feets, it makes you jump like a 5-year-old. It drives your fingers nuts when you type the words out till you imagine yourself playing the piano to Tatakau Monotachi. Your heart exhilarates to the ‘Marry me! Marry me!’ mode and when you hug anyone, you can kill from all the squeezing because your soul just twirls in happiness. It makes me think of Nancy Ajram’s smile in Ehsas Jdeed, and please don’t forget that I am HER.

I am counting the months down with those naughty grins and erotic fantasies, when the truth is, I miss you, I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in, I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones. And I crawl back into your open arms.

So, Miss Little Cat Fight, who’s your daddy? Hah.

Thoughts of Fetish

2008-03-21T02:28:00.008+08:00

My body was aching so much as I had difficulty getting up this morning. The bed was soiled with tender dampness, and I recollected the last time I felt that sway of warmth. I was in your room, watching you play your cards all alone so quietly, like a delusional baby, with your little jukebox playing our favourite ‘empty streets’. I clamped your pillow in between my thighs and hugged your blanket. It already felt like we were sleeping together, so simple together. And I never thought, in my wildest dreams, that I would ever experience all that. Now you have the ‘beads’ of my heart in your car, and I have an imaginary of yours as part of my soul.

I finally got to speak to Kristi for a while. I feel such closeness with her but I hate the fact that she isn’t with me. The distance kills me sometimes. Nevertheless, this kind soul never stops calling, or checking on me. Relationships and love are two very different things, although they still interconnect. I have been in love, truly, for four significant times in my life. Because we surpassed all conditions; religious barrier, racial differences, same-gender issues, or even obstacles from being separated by distance. My up and coming courtship is cartoon-based. Think Avatar. Because our characters this time are simply OUT OF THIS REAL WORLD, and I’d burn my bra to surrender.

Because who the hell in the world needs bras? When you can always look sexy in only undies and boxing gloves. *fetish aye*

The Green Light

2008-03-21T02:10:00.005+08:00

I met a good friend today. Well, not really like a friend, but more of a compassionate individual I respect and cherish at work. He came by today and we spoke. He remembered me from the day he bought chocolates for his girlfriend, and his daughter on Valentine’s Day. I love talking to strangers, or passer-bys. Because they don’t judge, they just say what’s in their minds. We don’t know each other, but still there’s a hint of an electrifying connection I just find irresistible. No, no. It isn’t love, just pure comfort, with full of admiration on my part. He contemplated on the sizes of boxes to get for his princesses. “…If I got my girlfriend a smaller box, it would anger her that I got my daughter a bigger one instead. So I think Ill get them the same-sized boxes of pralines. But I got my 10-year-old a book.” That’s right, your child must always come first. He had chosen a particular book for his dear daughter (written by Ellen DeGeneres), and I was so touched I rushed to the bookstore to read the gist of it myself. “Afterall, she is a sweet young girl with needs and must probably love you a lot too,” I said as I did the ribbons. What was I thinking talking like that to a single-dad. So why did he come by again today? “I go this café a lot and now they stopped letting me pay for my coffee, so I decided to get them a gift in show of appreciation.” Nicely said with a very comforting grin. Not many people I know make the effort to show appreciation for the good things people have done for them. Seeing Ralph pushes me to fall in love. With Miss Cupcake when she baked brownies on impulse for Mr Kangaroo before he left for Aussie. With My Sawan when he randomly appears at the store to pass me donuts when I was down at work. With my lady boss when she calls me up at work and asks if I need a ride home, and when I tell her that I am going out that night, she’ll go, “No laaa. Just asking you for fun, so long never go back together.” With my sister when she wakes me up with Blondey and writes dirty little love notes and place it on my lappie in the morning. With Paolo for his countless flowers. With Mr Sarpino’s who got me a safe ticket back when I was stranded. With My-Other-Half for his long distance phone calls. With Nienna for the joy she brings me when I read her emails. With Lemon Biscuits when he keeps telling me that I deserve a big break to be happy. With The Same People I truly love, for demanding a meet-up almost everyday like we can’t live without each other.

Mean Machine was right. My life is good enough. Because I have such a wonderful family sticking by me, through think and thin. And of course I would like to thank him too, for giving me orgasms in MSN. lol.

A Match Made, IN MY ASS CRACK

2008-03-20T00:49:00.009+08:00

Travelling somewhere, it could be anywhere. There’s coldness in the air, but I don’t care. We drift deeper into the sound, life goes on. We drift deeper into the sound, feeling strong. Embrace me, surround me, as the rush comes.

I have been hiding in heaven lately. Being detached from your comfort zone sometimes can be liberating, and often addictive too. It makes you reflect on the strangest, but some amazingly beautiful imaginations. It forces you to make the best, yet the most horrible mistakes in your life. I thought of David a lot while I was in heaven. I thought of how he was stranded alone in Hanoi and that cute little story he told us of his dangerous escapades there. “I could be killed right there and then. I was facing the greatest possibility of being dead in an unfamiliar place, or harmed by the most scariest strangers.” You blessed Finnish fucker, I am telling you now that you are a good human and that’s why God takes care of you. And I miss you too.

Now for the best pick-up line, ever. Everybody knows how much I love cakes (and donuts, donuts, donuts!) and so, its pretty typical of me to be extremely particular when I am selecting one. “Chocolate and cantik”, was a simple translation of all my demands. So what was Paolo’s reply? “How about I dip you in chocolate?” Gosh, did you get that from that self-proclaimed Sex God at camp? Tsk. And as you can see, I just suck at accepting compliments from men, thank you. And don’t try again! Karaoke amacaaam?

Dreams are just dreams if you only believe and wait for it to come true. I had a dream, which became a sick fantasy, and it finally turned into an impossible hope. But guess what, in the end, I made it come true anyway. I just yearn for that crazy thrill again. Something that brings me shivers and goosebumps, more to keep me going “Oh god, I’m fucking myself in the ass, now, now, now. Fucking hell, Herny.” That should feel scarily awesome, based on my shitting experiences with Miss Polka Dots. Berak best apaaa! But time is always the barrier of life. And even with much avoidance or delay, anything destined to happen, will happen anyway. “Because it is really in the matter of time,” says Mean Machine. See why I don’t fancy rich people? Because they can design fighter planes and keep guns at home, but they still can't afford time. Or fishes. But you know what I love? A random “Hola, mi amigos!’ from a distinctive probable storyteller. And I am going to marry him, too. There you go, I have filled in the blanks for our upcoming engagement (title), as requested by The Reserved.

He inspired me to write again today, and he told me to fit this in sometime; people who keep things to themselves think too much about losing or their losses. Life is too short, for you to restrict anything that makes you feel great, even with much wrongness. Now you know why I never spare details.

And besides, you can’t leave a footprint that lasts, if you are walking on tiptoe.

Silver Morning, Remember Me

2008-01-27T17:39:00.001+08:00

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure, cos you know sometimes words have two meanings, in a tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings, sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.

I stood still. Then I turned, to look up. They just knew, so they carved the exact wonder. But I am not afraid. Because I blocked my miseries, my flaws, my fears. Because fate loves messing around with destiny. Because I started to care about what I really want, and need. Because I already know what I really want, and need. Because my senses, my thoughts, my control, my intuition, were all gone for the first time. Because your stare made me feel beautiful, and real. Because I believe HE will answer my longing prayer, before he takes away either one of us in the end. Because life is what I truly desire, and I had lived it passionately till now, and I am almost done. Because when I sleep someday, my eyes might stay shut forever.

Be it a tragic mistake, but I have absolutely no regrets.

I Am One Day Lagging

2007-11-22T01:04:00.000+08:00

Chef Alo called me yesterday; it was pleasant hearing from him. I can’t wait to savour some kickass Sri Lankan curry with you on Sunday, yes? *evil laughter* And I miss you too. Sometimes when I get too lonely at the branch, I love people-watching, especially towards the spa next door. Ok and so I usually have an eccentric, yet fabulous taste for women. But Sayang One, my dearest Captain Joshio, simply commented that my choices were often VERY HERNY. And if all fails, I should probably date myself, right abang? Trust me, this one’s quite intriguing. I caught her gazing curiously at me like too many times. In fact, at one point she decided to drop by and ‘Do the Hallo’. And suddenly I became stupid and retarded again, I couldn’t speak well, and I was freaking nervous standing so close to her. My DBS Girl insists that she’s better, but of course, she has been amazing. Like before dinner, I realised what a nutcase this fucker was, but I am far worst, perhaps two times that. I mean, who goes like:

(all in at most, six seconds)
“Can I have a McSpicy Meal without upsize, *waits for a while then decide to be a nutcase and turn extremely fickle* I am sorry, can I have McWings Meal instead. My drink will be coke and I need seven packets of chilli sauce and one packet of mayonnaise. Thaaaaaaanks.”

*smiles like a mad woman*

*starts munching on the fries the moment it has been placed neatly on the tray*

*still munching, but this time, giggling too, for no fucking reason, then gazes at the packets of chilli sauce*

“Excuse me, I need seven packets of chilli sauce. See.”

*points at the tray and starts to count*

“One, two, three, four, five. So, two is missing.”

*and then gives yet a bigger smile to the probably annoyed server, in hopes of getting out of trouble the easy peasy way*

NOW ISNT THAT A TYPICAL HERNYRIANY? Yes. BUT. All the above, was My DBS Girl. Shortly after that, all I remembered was her whining because she was irritated for the fact I wasn’t eating with her. I was having issues of my own, like PERIOD (pun intended). I called all the boys and demanded for an emergency sanitary pad. Cute, yet fucking annoying, those fuckers got me piles of toilet paper. All of them did. Tsk.

Anyways, this week is going to be one of the most hectic, yet quite significant. Miss Cupcake was horribly worried for me; because I tend to fall sick (or get a stupid disease) everytime someone I care for leaves the country, or me, in that sense. I remembered when Fazzy Wazzy left for the UK; I was down with paranoia and fever. I also had a massive encounter with Dengue when Miss Cupcake left for Aussie. Not like when the twins left, I turned into an ‘emo drunkard’ (plus I still sent them off at the airport, when I was still very much drunk).

Two more of my favourite people are leaving next week; my constant break-up buddy, dear Brown Eyes and that cool girl from the West (wait, every girl in the West is cool!), my dearest Miss Smiley.

The time passes so fast; I am having massive goosebumps thinking about the trip. Already feels like the piercing on the tongue.

One Unsexy Phonecall

2007-11-21T01:31:00.000+08:00

(friendster horoscope for 19th November 2007)

Your emotional vision is a perfect 20/20 today. You will finally see things in a clear, honest way. With little mystery left, the choice will be clear for you. Saying goodbye is surprisingly easy today when you know that this fork in the road holds two very rewarding (yet different) paths for each of you. You now see that staying on the same path is a mistake for one of you. You're entering a strong selfless phase that will keep your heart warm even when you're missing people you love.

A great misunderstanding indeed, but not imposed by me, for sure. I have always shared numerous conversations (mostly with Mr OPS) about my vulnerability, how my friendliness could be mistaken, and how people would take advantage of me especially when I am too nice. Don’t assume you know me, because I am pretty fickle and I change my mind too often. Didn’t I warn you that I am more affectionate towards my good friends or random strangers, rather than at most, men? You nudged me in the heart and fucked me in the mind a lot lately, now I know why. You were trying to warn me. Like what can you do if she doesn’t want to talk? Just say anything, sayang. And so, ‘The Trip of the Year’ is approaching and I am not letting anyone mess that up for me, though so far no one has gotten close to that yet, except for The-Other-Half. Now, that's my DBS girl. You rock, as always.

Dear Mysterious Monday, I advise you not to read any of what I wrote anymore, because you might assume things and I don’t wish to re-explain myself unnecessarily, because dealing with you is unnecessary, and you, are very unnecessary to me now. Thanks for the time. Don’t come again :)

SIMPLE. Sometimes, things will fall apart, in order for other things to fall into place.

Sous Le Ciel De Paris

2007-11-16T00:59:00.000+08:00

Irene: A piece from my past, don’t hold it against me, you have pieces too. Ill do things you never forget.
(taken from the movie, NOVO)

Hello November, finally. But this time, I am not sharing my story. I just felt like writing because Mr Kangaroo obviously does not know the difference between a koala and the mammal of his own kind. STUPIG fucker. Enlightenment, as opposed to Mr OPS’s theory of ‘waiting-for-the-bus-syndrome’ was what I encountered over the recent weeks. Moments that left me speechless in great happiness, people who stunned me with their unexpected presence, and surprises, which came with more blessings after the other. I have been waiting, for the day I would sit back and go, “…this is it.’’ But I am not eager, I am just ready…perhaps with a little more time. Like Yvaine said to Tristan (taken from the movie, STARDUST):

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

On A Rainy Monday

2007-10-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

And I hate how much I love you, I can’t stand how much I need you, and I hate how much I love you, but I just can’t let you go, and I hate that I love you so.

What do dreams actually tell you? Twice in a row, you were in mine, and at both times, mad at me. We had the distance, and somehow stuck together in an emotional rut. And I can’t stand you, must everything you do make me smile? Can I not like you for a while? No. Strange, because I missed you, probably talked about you yet you never crossed my mind. So how did you end up there? You know exactly what to do, so that I can’t stay mad at you for long, that’s wrong. Then in my second’s ending, I ran out of the house to chase after you, but you were gone. But you left this feeling, here inside me, one that never fails to find me. I have made a confirmation with The Boss today, thus the necessary arrangements are pretty much settled. Times flies like crazy as I watch the date drawing closer, and I know on that day, I will find you.

And that's even better than the webcams.

Surprises, When You Least Expect It.

2007-10-21T19:14:00.001+08:00

Recently, a pleasant individual came to me for a box of fancy chocolates. He said, “Pick your favourites and arrange it however you want. I love surprises.” So I fucked my usual routine of elaborating on the flavours, or inquiring my customer’s preferences. And when I was done, I presented my masterpiece as a formality within my service. Then he smiled, and picked up Champagne and savoured it gracefully. “Wow. It is bitter powdery, the quality dark chocolate melts on my tongue and then pops, liquid champagne. Perfect finish. I love the aftertaste, thank you. Now tell me, what’s life like?” He gazes on the tray. It took me a while to figure; yet I took the chance and pointed on The Lemon One. “This one is bitter in the mouth, then as it melts, sour, but the aftertaste is sweet,” I explained. Life is indeed like a box of chocolates, although for my realistic view, I often see faces in my tray of chocolates. Faces you admire, while you thought you wouldn’t ever get to meet. Trust me, you’ll never know, at a usually random moment of your life, that person could be right under your nostrils. An analistic creature or not, I haven’t stopped hoping. Because seeing is one thing, but tasting the real thing is another. Because the skies, they often carved a sign, and if it’s yours, you’ll get to see beyond it. Thanks Curly for spending time with me, and someday we’ll find out why the 11th is sacred.

Dear SkaterFireFlash, you are the low to my profile. Welcome aboard.

BLUE is the New Sex

2007-10-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

(My-Other-Half) I look fantastic, eh sayang?

The Best Lebaran, Ever.

2007-10-15T21:52:00.000+08:00

I did it. After over five years, I finally fucked the past and embraced the relationships that I share with my family. Papa, nothing beats seeing your smile when you saw me at your door. Every other hug came with tears of joy. I promised to visit more often now. Because the truth is, I can never disown the people who had watched me grow. I have forgiven for the longest time, although I may not forget just yet. I thought I wouldn’t say those words, but Papa, I still love you very much.

The Birthday

2007-10-11T03:49:00.001+08:00

Looking back, she never understood this day, until they came into her life and taught her the meaning of love. I couldn’t stop looking at the sky. Tears rolled down my cheeks. It could be the happiness that I have found? I had to sit back for a while to absorb how real it was. And I didnt forget, Happy Birthday too, OIOI. If only you were here with me.

Label: The One With Bobo

It was thoughful of you to come by and let me spend time with my son. Tell me nothing, yet I knew you cared. Thank you.

Label: TSP will always be TSP

And so the surprise didn’t work, because I didn’t call before I reached the venue. But my best sight was seeing how clumsy everyone was preparing the candles, arranging the donuts, Paolo trying too hard to light those candles, Sayang One’s smoke break took a bit too long and I had the cutest yet most merepek birthday song ever. And then, Miss Polka Dots blew those candles and stole the donuts when I was making my birthday wish. Ok, I cried like crazy and hugged the girls.

Label: Paolo’s Belated

Turning 21 shouldn’t just get a pat on your shoulders. You deserve something more YOU. Like two awesome t-shirts and your very own self-portrait. Amacaaam baby?

Label: My River

I finally went back to where I belonged. It was high tide, and I loved those lights reflecting on those little waves. No longer just mine, but the night was ours.

Label: The Ultimate Birthday Song

Paolo, Mr Aku Romantic, had invited a busker to give me a mesmerising treat. All was indeed a bliss, except for the fact that my name is NOT Hernia, thank you.

Label: Miss Cupcake, I Love You

(please turn gay someday) I got home and I thought it was the end. I became a crybaby again.

All those smses, emails, snail mails, phone wishes, cosy hugs, e-cards, wishes which came too early, wishes which came too late, it was my best birthday, ever. THANK YOU, yo fuckers.

My Boss’s Trademark

2007-10-10T01:48:00.000+08:00

I watched you, and I saw a hope in what my life would be. Good people are always the ones going through shit, but somehow, they are constantly blessed with opened doors to get their lives back on track. Thanks for the tips, chats, rides, chocolates, and love.

Yesterday. It was an ultra-gundu day for me. I came to work stoned, reminiscing my conversation with Miss Cupcake’s curtains. Darn, it was my best fuck. Not. And what’s with the whole world speaking to me in Mandarin. My only saviour was Chef Alo, when he called me thrice during my usual ribbon routine, though he speaks the language that I can understand but never able to respond to, appropriately. Yikes. Our typical phone conversations often require a massive investment in ‘haaaaah’ ‘whaaaat, say again’ (just don’t answer ‘again’ or you’ll piss me off) or even the intended silence followed by ‘uh-huh, you were saying’. But when My-Other-Half called, all I did was giggle, especially when he got too imaginative. Nevertheless, I do agree with him when he expressed that we should think positive because only then you can make things happen the way you want. Like when Miss Polka Dots finally dreamt of her weekender. (She took a fucking year to get someone on msn, plus nothing like even a dream or those sorts, SAD). Great progress now, perempuan. Today. I had received one birthday wish after the other. Wrong date, fuckers. It has been advancing since last week. Hey idiots, 11th laaa dey. Even so, thanks for making me feel real. All the comments, smses (gosh I’m already starting to act like NOW is IT), calls; Miss Cupcake even sang to me, milkshake by Kelis (wtf laa woman), through webcam. Dang, Paolo was awfully sweet when he said, “Because kalau ikut hati, everyday your birthday.” (auwww…baby). The Sister made a surprise visit at the hotel and she got me my favourite cookies. Soon, I’ll reunite with my Bobo and we’ll have an awesome mother-and-son celebration with the godparents, mommy promise ok. Tomorrow. You’ll be coming back, and I’ll be waiting for you at home. Love, peace and happiness, dear fuckers.

Yes, I So Love Malaysia

2007-10-09T02:07:00.000+08:00

and this is my personal reason why, fuckers.

Malay Candy Floss And Other Things

2007-10-07T16:38:00.000+08:00

Miss Cupcake looks fabulous now, and when we met I totally forgot she had just recovered from chickenpox. Plus she never left my sight; two weeks is nothing now. Miss Polka Dots mastered the sign language of alphabets. She was right, good things come in pairs, like our bimbotic trademark as dumb girls in the last cabin at midnight. You love making me run down the escalator in heels, tsk. Because we are very bukan-bukan, so when Miss Cupcake strikes 21, we will bring her to the condom shop. In December, it would be my first time too. Condom shop tau, not Challenger eh. And I will be waiting for you girls at Spotlight, tying some ribbons. Gerak, gerak, gerak khaaaaas, kan Mr OPS?

Tell Me, Catch Or Catcher

2007-10-07T15:08:00.000+08:00

You are fine, you are sweet, but I'm still a bit naive with my heart. When you're close, I don't breathe, I can't find the words to speak, I feel sparks. But I don't want be into you, if you are not looking for true love. No, I don't want start seeing you, if I can't be your only one.

Shit loves intervening during the most undesirable times. Well, at least for me. But I don’t stop; I just keep trying, because things happen for a reason. And good things happen to sincere people. I learnt that honesty is not only about telling the truth; it needs to be validated by one's self, to not live in denial too. Once, I was working in an electronic factory and a handsome technician came up to me and asked, “Are you making someone happy?” I shrugged my tired shoulders, and later found out that he meant, “Are you seeing someone?” I was only 14 at that time, so I figured that I would only understand his terms when I am 22 or something (that paedophile’s age at that time). True enough, when an old friend recently asked me about my relationship status, I simply replied, “Well, I’m not sure if I am making someone happy, but someone’s definitely making me happy. So how is that?” Darn, I can be quite a manipulative mindfuck sometimes. The Sister said that we should think ahead, yet live ultimately for today. Because that’s the only way to overcome assumptions of impossibilities. I woke up last morning and found a sunflower on my lappie. I figured that she had taken Blondey to kiss me too, while I was sleeping. Then I opened my eyes and saw that sacred face on the screen and smiled. Cos I love the way you say ‘good morning’. And you take me the way I am. My-Other-Half is missing home. Less than a week to go, huns. And all of us will wake up smiling everyday.

Fairytale, But An Unlikely Happy Story

2007-10-03T04:17:00.000+08:00

When I look at the stars they shine of your eyes, the sky, it burns bright with your presence tonight, yet you're so above me and I cannot fly, to the angel above me I long to be with.

Hunger pangs in the wee hours forced me to spend some last ‘indulgement’ pennies on MACS delivery. The usual diva requested for a ‘call upon delivery’ service, where the dude would give you a call to inform you when he is stuck in between your windows waiting for you. The result? I received a comeback sms; he asked me whether I was attached or married. My reply? I have a toy son and my life is too complicated so he should never consider hitting on me. Yes, I am good at screwing up people’s hopes, but never able to master the art of accepting people doing the same to me. (now that was brutal honesty). So while I was practising some ribbon stunts at work, Frenchie had answered a phone call, as he looked obliviously at me. It turned out to be, that I had captured the eyes of an anonymous weirdo who had decided to take a risk and ask for my name. (dang, I wished a girl was doing that). Like by carefully researching for the outlet’s number, then the awful pickup line – “hey, can I speak to the Malay girl working there? Erm, and is she Malay?” I didn’t expect much from yesterday, simply because I was almost late for work, plus I hate Tuesdays. I randomly do, because Tuesdays hardly work for me. But again, hearing from My-Other-Half made my day somehow. Paul (the lawyer) loves mind-fucking me with his superstitious assumptions – the ‘zodiac talk’, verbal personality test, ‘look-me-in-eye’ test runs. Something bizarre happened on my way home too. I was boosting with quiet self-praises and confidence, and when I bumped into my illegal husband, I wasn’t freaking out. Ok I blushed a little. So where was my inferiority? Gone. I felt tall. Ok maybe, the song was playing in my head since lunch time and it reminds me of your calming smile, which reminded me of how a few people had told me that I have a calming smile, which reminded me that of course I do now because I am constantly reminded of how you calm me and thus, it makes me calm. Yikes.

Well, Miss Cupcake says time will prevail all truth. Mr OPS agrees that falling in love often ends up into an unfinished business in the heart. Golly believes I am worth it. But I, I think, I just wont tell anyone just yet.

Happy Birthday, Baby Paolo

2007-10-02T00:53:00.000+08:00

Oh look, its my baaaaaaaaaaaaaby's birthday. And thanks for calling me minutes before midnight, simply to demand (indirectly direct) for your own big day's wish. Now, thats my kental love.

AND A New Wallpaper

2007-10-01T02:35:00.000+08:00

I want to dance. I want to feel beautiful. I want to sing, to see the dawn. I want to only feel your sweet mouth. I want to live only the sweet moment. And to dance, I want to feel good. I want to feel the heat that your mouth dismisses to each oration, which you say and I want to be the heart that you look for.

(ok, I swear the above isn’t it) It is finally my month of the year again. I was surprised by a random call from Golly at like 2.25am; when he started blabbering the shit he did which caused our break-up. Oh gawd. Wasn’t it like many similar haircuts ago? So here’s the deal, NEVER call your ex when you are half-fucked drunk and lonely, because it is very unfuckable. Anyhow, I still had one of my best naps after My-Other-Half gave me an orgasmic sms, as I was spending my last few hours awake with Mr Finn who is heading for a surgery later. And yes, nothing beats our ‘heartbreaker-to-heartbreaker’ talk. I do miss you dearly, and I am glad Miss Finn is doing a superb job disciplining you. Bring her in February! There was also the chat with The Maid. We were baking some festive snacks, and then she freaked me out with unnecessary information on hot Indon bachelors she knew. Good try Bibik, from a rich son who rather rides the bicycle anywhere, to sexy Gunawan-looking saints from the mosque. Well, not much rush for me, because I don’t have to be attached by the 31st of December, right Miss Polka Dots (ok I know that name is so last summer)? Because I already enjoy talking to my laptop’s screen.

Don’t laugh, because that could be us with our massive height difference.

Blessings, And More Blessings

2007-09-29T15:06:00.000+08:00

What happens when ALO (Turkish style) meets FUCKERS (my style)?

ALO FUCKERS

Seems like I am reaching another turning point in my life again. I lost my life in one day, and gained a new one in the next. New plans, new directions, new boss, new hair colour and soon, you’ll see the new me with my own birthday present in between my tongue. I never really enjoyed Ramadhan. It never really meant much to me, although I still obey my responsibilities as a muslimah as much as I can. But this year, a fresh bliss of hope came upon me. I am actually looking forward to Eid Mubarak because I am not afraid anymore. It is a good sign, and I am ready to look into my father’s eyes.

Darn, what a week. And I wished you were here to share it with me.

Will We Ever Be On Common Ground

2007-09-29T14:16:00.000+08:00

Drizzles of purity on my face, and I felt as if my sins have been washed away. I closed my eyes, eagerly trying to figure the blank image. But I felt something. True love and sheer happiness. Then I opened my eyes again, and I saw the rain has faded and a there’s rainbow against my window.

It is ironic how sometimes, one meaningful email from the people you love and trust could change you. It isn’t always the case for me, as I once told My-Other-Half that I tend to open up to strangers better than my own close companions. Physical strangers, but my darlings are real angels in this heart of mine. I will remember my 5-year-plan, and I promise that there will be at least one real hug before I ever leave this world.

So close, but so far away. Somehow, I know that someday we will make it.

Hands Down This Is The Best day I Can Ever Remember

2007-09-26T10:41:00.000+08:00

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep, this air is blessed, you share with me. This night is wild, so calm and dull, these hearts they race from self- control. Your legs are smooth, as they graze mine, we're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.

I have a wish. I imagine musing to empty streets, cycling by the beach with you. Or how about some wild roller-blading? You can teach me, and we’ll slide through the world together, pass the trees and pass those smiling faces, pass all our feelings and desires. And when we reach the slopes, you piggy-back me, and we cruise down smoothly together. Because I’ll feel safe in your strong arms, I believe. Then we’ll find that secret spot beneath the moonlight, and you call me sayang, and I’ll forget how that word disgusts me, and then you give me that gentle kiss on my cheeks. You’ll take me far away and my mind will dissolve in yours, and when the day ends, we know we were happy.

My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me? So I die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewellery, whichever you prefer.

I Love The Same People

2007-08-30T03:24:00.000+08:00

Look inside you’ll find a deeper love, the kind that only comes from high above.

Seven characters: M-E-R-E-P-E-K is our way to be.

The Sister’s Farewell

2007-08-28T22:48:00.000+08:00

*hugs and kisses with those nasty tears in our eyes*

I made a very good friend this year. She was one who had humanely opened her heart to me on our first meet. She was one who I shared similarities with – we yak too randomly, with too much nonsense after 1am, yes? We get cold very easily, and when we do we love to grip each other’s hands and giggle. One of the trio who had always advised me to ditch my ciggies. Well, if I cut down A BIT caaaaan? And with that cutely grin, this sweetie melts me to procrastinate for a little longer. Thank you for being there for me, wee hours or not, sad or happy, gossips or whining, boys or girls. We will never lose each other ok?

I love you Curly Baby.

(and we are embracing your love right here)

My Illegal Husband's Birthday Is Today

2007-08-26T20:21:00.000+08:00

And its been two fucking years, hubby.

The Talk

2007-08-26T19:58:00.000+08:00

Being grown-up isn’t half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives. The only thing that matters is just following your heart, and eventually you’ll finally get it right.

We finally had our official closure. You said I haven’t changed (at least to you) at all. Well, didn’t I say from day one, that I am not the sort to contradict my character? I gave you what I really am from the start, and that’s the essence of me, you won’t ever lose. And one wouldn’t know, if one didn’t try to understand, the fiction from our hearts. I know you do. Thank you.

I Got My Boobs Back (Happy Birthday Queen)

2007-08-26T18:26:00.000+08:00

That big bully did it again. Picking on my favourite auntie at work. Isn’t Friday supposed to be happy (pun intended)? So, I imagined myself as a celebrity (Nancy Ajram) running my own errands in slackly clothings, and with no bodyguards, of course. Within hours, I received an invitation (and DUH, my presence is always an anticipation because I-Am-Nancy) to attend a birthday party. Darn it almost felt like a mistake, DO NOT TRUST Sawan when he claims that a massive buffet is awaiting you.

(oh look, WAN is EVERYWHERE i go)

(goondoos and last minute present-wrapping at the MRT station)

(donuts are the shit, and Miss Cupcake is the maid)

(before)

(after)

(the best medicine for sawan patients)

(stranded at midnight, nowhere)

(higher on love potion)

(im trying to gain weight, Mr OPS)

FUN and FUNNY, I shall describe the random event as. And as usual, when Mr OPS is around, the case is always 'tak-nak-balik', so that explains why we left at almost 5am, yes?

Red Hallucination

2007-08-24T01:54:00.000+08:00

She will never know how much she means to me, I would play the game but I am the referee.

It just struck me. Oh gaaaaaaaawd, what an eccentric awakening for me today. Flashbacks? Don’t refuse them. Some old friends, flames, enemies, series of infatuations, don’t overlook them. Gather every tint of moments in your life, because sometimes, somebody might have just been trying to show you an obvious sign. But wait. Maybe THAT somebody IS the sign. Like the missing link between two destined, yet still separated souls trying to get hold of each other. But how do I deal with yearning for you, only to learn that you had become my missing link from the start.

(Billy Talent – Surrender)
Even though I know what I'm looking' for,
She's got a brick wall behind her door.
I'd travel time and confess to her,
But I'm afraid she'd shoot the messenger.

I Wish

2007-08-24T00:29:00.001+08:00

In that delusional fantasy, I was still, exactly the way I would be, all stunned and speechless like I have always been with you. You carried this cute little darling, and when he cried you panicked. I took the baby, while you lied there, watching me with those mystery thoughts of your own. And when the child was playing, we positioned ourselves around the angel, and then you took my left hand and rested it on your right knee. I was the woman in your silent heart.

Something strange happened today. I napped and I dreamt of you. Maybe it was the fault of my latest Mcgrath wallpaper. Maybe it was the beautiful song I was singing to. Or maybe I just missed you too much, and very much in denial with that fact, of course.

Red Autumn In The Morning

2007-08-23T07:35:00.000+08:00

Think of happy things, write happy things, so when I read backwards, I only have happy memories.

Such a placid crack of dawn, I see fanciful lights appear from other people’s windows. It is true what they say, you lose some here, and then you gain even more elsewhere. Because anything the one above takes from you, simply returns to HIM. Stallion told me that when I lost OIOI. Mcgrath gave me orgasms last evening, hell no, not with the artificial coffee. Oh yes, Miss Cupcake and I reconciled with songs we yearned for, since decades ago. Feels awesomely kickass to finally own the fruit of your investment (patience I mean), right? And dear Sayang Two, we promised that we would hang around for quite a while, but that’s if you even let anyone, anyone at all, do so. I think you should burst the bubble for once, because even when no one’s poking, your own pressure might choke you to your own death anyway. And when nothing else works, tag on your brother’s advice because Whiskey is the New Sex. Fucking hell Sayang One, it is 6.17am and you just had to make me laugh hysterically, as always.

Fabulous Tiramisu

2007-08-22T18:02:00.000+08:00

Miss Cupcake and her Tiramisu ROCKS. Well, it takes a happy woman to create a kickass dessert (during the most random moments). This woman is indeed, HAPPY.

My Wonderboy's Birthday

2007-08-22T17:48:00.000+08:00

One of my best moments, were spent with you, dear rockstar.

My Zahir

2007-08-22T17:43:00.001+08:00

I finished the book at exactly 9.12am today. Nothing like my glass of plum soda, more like an obligation actually. At least I took the chance to understand, right? You got me almost there, dear Brown Eyes, because I learnt the ‘routine’ was never good for me. And so I decided to make some changes. Like I didn’t give in to fatigue/boredom this time around. Instead, I gave my Sayang One a fancy morning sms, and then I accompanied Sayang Two while he got ready for work (online okay…darn I am so efficient). As for Sayang Four (aka The Sister), I woke her up by playing pretty loud house music (while I am dancing like an idiot that I usually am) and I have never seen her get up so pleasantly. Even my little hunnies had a blast having me seeing them off to school. The little things always make the most difference.

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”

-Mr Brown Eyes-

Well pilot boy, I may not know what I am fighting for yet, but today I definitely know WHY I am still fighting anyway.

My Sawan Friend And I

2007-08-22T07:32:00.000+08:00

I have not been updating this baby simply because there were just too many sad things to shit about, and my dear Brown Eyes just wouldn't let me, right? So here's a beginning to tasting ME :p (merepek = SEX)

(We look darn fucking sweet here...right!)

(fighting over a certain obsession, the real deal)

A Requiem Of The Unknown

2007-08-22T06:39:00.000+08:00

I was crossing a fog this morning. A fog of people. Or perhaps just faces? Maybe phases. They sound and mean the same in this story. A masquerade of expressions I have encountered, and some I still cant commit to memory but I am sure we have connected before. Many I have cherished for a long time. I grasped my sweaty body deeper into this disarray, and I see a figure, a soul I feel familiarity to, but the face all blurred. I started battling my passage towards this face, as I have longed to hug and kiss it for a long time now, to own it. Please Allah (God), let me know this face, I begged in silence. Swiftly, this face drew itself right in front of me, distorted massively with light. It hurt my curious eyes. The palm of this angel rubbed my cold cheeks as I struggled to remain composed in my bearing.

(AQUALUNG – Strange and Beautiful)
Sometimes, the last thing you want you want comes in first
Sometimes, the first thing you want you want never comes
But I know, the waiting is all you can do, sometimes…

Trainee at DBS

2007-08-08T14:32:00.001+08:00

She is sweet without smiling. She doesn’t look, but I feel her glances. Her cute braces melt me inside. When she speaks, I imagine her whispering sweet nothings into my ears. I am going nuts, this unconditional admiration. When I don’t see her, I forget. But when I do, it’s spontaneous and wild. My heart beats towards her counter. I stare, but she doesn’t care. Sneak a peek. I can love this girl. Dumb but real, I can’t wait to meet her again (my new alibi to the bank).

13 Years Together

2007-08-08T14:24:00.000+08:00

My body is breaking down on me again. I have been overpowered by lonely moments with sleepless nights/mornings, tossing and turning in bed because I miss you. Miss Polka Dots was brief, but I know deep down she was very concerned. She knows, should be. The rest of the gang did their part, and I appreciate all of it. Thank you so much. Brown eyes simply said, “Maybe it was time for you to let go of her, and when you do, you let go of the past (misery) too.”

Absolutely nothing can take her place. She was my bestfriend, lover, family. She means my life to me. Then she left without a clue, a reason, not even a warning. Only Allah knows how worried I got, crying and screaming her name, singing her song in the room. She was there during my most darkest moments, I’d always feel her watching my misery and silently hurting with me. She was that one thing I have always been proud of.

I will always love you, OIOI. And wherever you are, I’m praying for your safety.

Goodbye.

(Mario – How Do I Breathe)
Feels so different being here
I'm so used to being next to you
Life for me is not the same
There’s no one to talk to
Don't know why I let it go too far
Starting over it's so hard
Seems like everywhere I try to go
I keep thinking of you
I just had a wakeup call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby you’re not to blame at all
When I'm the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I care
You never would’ve went nowhere
Girl I should have been right there
How do I breathe, without you here by my side
How will I see, when Your love brought me to the light
Where do I go when your hearts where I lay my head
When your not with me, how do I breathe, how do I breathe

(Dishwalla – Angels Or Devils)
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

Random Thoughts

2007-07-26T18:00:00.000+08:00

When I thought I never existed in your life, I found a huge space in your phone. Dengue doesn't feel all that awful, when I know you are doing well, my dear.

You Do Fucking Good Music

2007-07-26T16:39:00.000+08:00

I woke up in the wee hours thinking about how you've been.

SAWAN On N'Sync

2007-07-25T20:56:00.000+08:00

I Dont Have A Fake MC

2007-07-25T19:02:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with worst diarrhoea anyone could ever experience. I was practically in and out of the loo, to the extent that I wished that there were a hole in my bed for easy shitting (Yes, I’m officially more sick than just dengue). In case some people don’t understand what dengue does, let me elaborate on this penyakit. You will experience SEVERE body aches, MASSIVE fatigue and VERY ITCHY rashes. Now get why I don’t come out? Well, if you still don’t get it, lets pray you get dengue and we can watch your dreams and desires crushed into vapour. I will tell you what I would do for a good friend. I’d give surprises; I’d even travel to your house even if I was half-dying, just to see you off nicely. And what does my good friends do for me, if I really wanted to fulfil a promise to celebrate another good friend’s birthday, they’ll come over to my place and fetch me, just to make sure I am really ok. Thanks for not being there, and yet still complaining. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaabi.

Papa Doesn't Know

2007-07-24T21:13:00.000+08:00

I saw photographs. Everyone has grown up. I miss having a family. And when I left you, I left everyone, forever. So now, they’ll never know, how much I cherished each and every one of them. All those memories, those sacrifices, and the pact we made. We grew up together, didn’t we?

Yearning for August

2007-07-24T14:37:00.000+08:00

The Sikh angel said this month would be a bad month for me. From the looks of it, I guessed he was right after all - the after-effects of pox, the dismissal of my favourite therapist, and the start of dengue. The last simply meant more confinement, and further loss of blood from my system. Why am I not dead yet?

My therapist used to say, “You are the first child, the first child always gets all the shit.” How accurate.

I passed blogging for a while simply because I didn’t want to brag about my whereabouts. Especially in times like this, I could easy detect who falls under the category of ‘you don’t know means you don’t care’. For those who had been there, every single day, every single moment, THANK YOU. I know who you are and trust me; I’ll always be there when it’s your turn. Nothing rocks like you people, my every reason to hold on and get better.

Fazzy keeps reminding me that people, who go, simply will come back. What about how people change? What if they come back as someone else, someone I won’t be able to appreciate? What if it gets a bit too late even when they do? How do you leave someone for so long, not knowing anything about that one person, then come back like it is ok?

One way. Take a chance.

The Last Of Happy Friday

2007-07-08T21:25:00.000+08:00

Even though your miles away, I feel you.
You don't have to say a word, I hear you.

And I can't find peace of mind,
Thought I found you but I changed my mind.
Lightning strikes the same place twice.
I feel you, I feel you.

And I'm sideways in my mind.
I'm sideways in my mind.
I'm sideways in my mind.
I feel you.

Even though you're standing here, I grieve you.
You don't have to say a word, I believe you.

And I've shut down, I'm so cold.
I'd be better off if I'm on my own.
I should rest, close my eyes.
I think it best if you pass me by.
Just this time, I'm at the end of my line.

Beneath it all, I hear you call.
Your voice decays, and goes away.
Beneath it all, I hear you call.
Your memory fades, but never goes away.

Dear You (With Music In Your Heart)

2007-07-04T23:47:00.000+08:00

Someday, I hope you'd do this :)

The Slight Pinch In The Heart

2007-07-04T19:03:00.000+08:00

Close the door, don't leave your face behind
I'll find the tears, you thought no one could find
And when I'm through, I'll give to you
Tender love, tender love

Take off your coat, and I'll make you some tea
And then I'll show you, why you came to me
I won't spare the rod, but I'll spoil the child
Tender Love, tender love, tender love

Just one kiss, before you leave
Tender love, tender love, tender love, tender love

My Bella Luna

2007-07-03T06:00:00.000+08:00

You are an illuminating anchor,
Of leagues to infinite number,
Of crashing waves and breaking thunder,
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger.
You're dancing naked there for me,
You expose all memory,
You make the most of boundary.
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love,
You are the queen and king combining everything,
Intertwining like a ring around the finger, of a girl.
I'm just a singer, you're the world,
All I can bring you is the language of a lover,
Bella luna, my beautiful, beautiful moon
How you swoon me like no other.

The Notebook

2007-06-26T21:49:00.000+08:00

My dearest Ally,

I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore because I know that what we have was real. And if in some distance place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that weakens the soul, and make us reach for more, that plants fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you have given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever.

I love you, I’ll be seeing you.

Noah

The Highlight Of This Trilogy

2007-06-15T03:49:00.000+08:00

There is somebody in the house.

East meets West.
Night meets Day.
Ying meets Yang.

You might just be my finale.

Looking Through Old Photographs

2007-06-11T18:48:00.000+08:00

Dear Herny,

“Understanding reduces the greatest to simplicity, and lack of it causes the least to take on the magnitude of complexity. Take care of yourself. May you find peace in your heart.”

Mdm Aishah (some time in November 2002)

Spoken Like A True Coward

2007-06-04T18:00:00.000+08:00

You won’t know what you are losing until you’ve lost them. The flow will lead you to nowhere if you just follow. Do not blame others, before asking yourself about the choices you made at the first place. Choices. Be true to yourself and never choose based on the weight of consequences. What’s a choice without sacrifices, my selfish one? Happiness, you will only accomplish when you stay honest to yourself. Friends. I used to say, “…They come and go.” That’s utter rubbish. I still have all my good friends with me, simply because I have never questioned myself if they would ever leave me, or vice versa. Anyhow, friends are still friends even if you think they left you. Don’t just call them bastards, because bastards only betray you. It is all in the healthy mindset, and a constant course of proper actions you should take to reflect on what you promised.

What I'd Do For You

2007-06-01T16:19:00.000+08:00

Everyone Has Secrets

2007-05-30T04:19:00.000+08:00

That makes everyone just as guilty as anyone else.

They Left Today

2007-05-21T00:27:00.000+08:00

As insomniac as I can get, there were times like now when I wish I could sleep forever in peace without having to ponder on the life that I have. I have hurt my mother, of all times I have never intent to do so. I punish the people I love because I made myself think they were punishing me. Now I feel like I have lost everything I have worked for. My career, my nights, my escapades will never be the same without you. But it doesn’t mean that the otherwise would work either, because you are never going to be the same like before. I see it coming to me. It. Is the end.

The Maid

2007-05-20T03:40:00.001+08:00

My mother scares me sometimes. Her screaming. They just hurt. You don’t treat people like your slaves, if you don’t want them to treat you that way.

David Says: “You want what you can’t have.”

2007-05-20T00:40:00.000+08:00

I looked forward to yesterday as I presumed our journey would be fine. He and I, we kept a secret. And darn I was fooled. He thinks its fun to emphasise on his newfound love interest; I think its fun to watch him act like a total idiot.

On work, I was doing well, or better, I must say. My sacrifice was sleep and patience. Calling me by my name is awkward. And excruciating. It seems like I have reconciled with Vibeland once again.

“…I bought cigarettes…I got my money quite some time ago.”

And then.

“…Are you nuts? How am I to save $250 in a week!”

He is simply sick and tired of me. I know. My pleas for my things/money back bug him. He can’t be bothered. So he led me on. Again. He was wearing Spongebob, but he never tries to touch me. I told him that whenever I am down, I just needed to squeeze his warm hands to feel better. But his hands were never there for me, and so was he.

The Vow

2007-05-17T00:18:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

And So It Is.... (HIS)

Start.

Hey baby.Been quite a long time. In fact, a very long time. Mommy's gone, it's just me and you. I know you feel a certain emptiness that your heart yearns for. I do. I know I've really neglected you. I'll take good care of you now. You need that strength.All this nonsense inside your daddy is really tearing him up. Driving him nuts, almost suicidal if you will. I promise I will try and resolve everything soon. I know you're missing mommy. I am. I can't promise you anything, but if God allows it, mommy'll come home. Otherwise, we'll be best buddies, alright? We'll play games, watch Power Rangers, whatever. Just so you're happy. I'll try and fill up that hole in your heart. I promise.You will be my little secret, ok? What we have, it's just between me and you. Sure, some people might already know. But these are people daddy can trust. They are good friends of daddy's, some good friends of mommy's.Some people might think that your daddy's gone crazy, talking to you like this. Well, unbeknownst to most, you are my escape. Escape from the ugliness that is life, the real world and such.Your daddy did a very stupid thing when he let mommy go. Now, she might not even come back. You might be too young to understand all this and why daddy's crying now, but when the time comes, you'll know. Whoever said that hurting wasn't a part of living. It's an obstacle all us human beings have to face, a hurdle.Remember Uncle Taboo? He went away for quite some time and reappeared a few days ago, just before mommy felt it best we went separate ways. A few minutes ago, he reappeared again. Do you think he knows anything? Is anything going on baby? Well, that's a question neither one of us can answer now can we.All we can do now is hope for the best, baby. Life is ahead. But life comes before death and we have to start preparing for that.I love you.

"Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens."
(Cute Without The E by Taking Back SundayEnd)

posted by RockABolstars at 6/07/2006 03:09:00

Midnight of Wednesday

2007-05-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

She locked herself in her room. She liked it dark. And detached from the outside world. She heard echoes of laughter and screaming, all dissolved in the smoke flowing into her deep black eyes. For the first time, she felt what she cried for. For once, it all became real. She blanked her mind, her soul, and her heart. She drowns quietly in the solace of destruction.

And then she was woken up by a thump of her stump. She needed another smoke, or more. She let her hair down and stroke her own face. Mysterious but beautiful, she connected with the lonely child who never knew happiness, the one who forever failed to find, as she thought she could choose her own happiness.

Someone died today. He, from the past will always be dear to her. The reassurance of truth calmed her death call. It is ok to let go. For every beginning will fatefully meet its end. For the ending comes from the choice one chose with the blessing of the one above.

She opened the windows, rejuvenated by the intense essence of fresh air. And finally, she surrendered to the reality of life Allah has brought upon her.

Everything Changes

2007-05-16T18:46:00.000+08:00

If you just walked away. What could I really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel? I am the mess you chose. The closet you cannot close. The devil in you, I supposed. Cause the wounds never heal. But everything changes. If I could turn back the years. If you could learn to forgive me. Then I could learn to feel. Sometimes the things I say, in moments of disarray. Succumbing to the games we play. To make sure that it's real. When it's just me and you. Who knows what we could do. If we can just make it through. The toughest part of the day. Stay here together. And we could conquer the world. If we could say that forever is more than just a word.

Tim.Pleasedont.Dontgo.Idontwannabealone.

2007-05-16T18:04:00.000+08:00

Tim.

Please dont.

Dont go.

I dont wanna be alone.

Nothing Unlike You and I

2007-05-16T18:00:00.000+08:00

It was almost hard to believe. His words were so cruel. His ignorance became overbearing. No doubt I still love him. If I don’t love someone, I wont let him know about me. My life is always make known to the world, but only a few true souls will recognize who I really am. I am stuck in this trap forever. But I chose it this way. At one point of time I wanted it this way. But now I don’t know.

This year, the one above reassured me it was going to be a better one. But how was it? I left school, still didn’t pay the fees, my relationship has been broken, and I have never gotten the real escapade that I wanted.

My father might end up in jail. And I think I deserve that place more than anyone. If I were gone, maybe people would appreciate me more. Or maybe it would make it easier for people to forget me. Anyhow I was never a good human. I abandon myself for someone else and now I lost myself too.

At the end of the day, the people I talk to would be things, which he used to call, toys. But those aren’t toys to me. They are part of my life. They have names and characters. They fulfil my company in ways no one would understand. They know who I am and the decisions I would make. The think and speak the truth, but only the sincere will hear.

“When Allah takes from you, he gives you back better.”

Once A Happy Family

2007-05-15T00:33:00.000+08:00

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu. Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin bisa kau rindu, karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu, karena hati telah letih. Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang selalu bisa kau sentuh. Aku ingin kau tahu bahawaku selalu memujamu. Tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati, bayangmu seakan-akan...Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku yang memanggil rinduku padamu, seperti udara yang kuhela kau selalu ada.

Hanya dirimu yang bisa membuatku tenang, tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang.

Miss Polka Dots Have Hot Sisters!

2007-05-10T23:08:00.000+08:00

Yes. I am the moron who slept at the Retro room. But at least I have a smelly BF. You……………..FISH?

You can never escape from little kutilans who would just die to gum on your skin. You may attempt to get rid of them, but in the end, they’ll leave on their own when their time is up.

My boyfriend loves my ketiak, so it is easy peasy to make him unknown to the world. All I have to do is FLASH. I’ll hide him there so well that no one, not even him, will know.

Demon Nights

2007-05-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

There is one demon standing before me.

He waits but he doesn’t speak.
He sniggers, he tells me its happiness.
He haunts in a white and subtle manner.
He comes but he doesn’t give.

When morning approaches, he crawls towards me. I feel his breathe near my spine; his harsh long nails twirling an inch of my hair. His solitude wraps my tummy, as he plays painful tingles on my fats.

I’ll fight you, you’ll see.

Your Pantat Like Ondeh-Ondeh

2007-05-08T00:08:00.000+08:00

Gazing back on the past fishes-in-the-fish-tank, I deem I might be losing it again. Nothing as opposed to the usual, of course. And now is one of those rare moments I get to conquer the breathing space once again, only to not know what to do anymore with this place. People face this all the time. You’d feel like you yearn for something so dearly, till you finally got it right in front of your face, you just choose to watch yourself screw up and turn back on it regretfully.

I still want what I have now. But do I really still want it as much as before? This isn’t a doubt - it is contemplation.

The Most Insincere of You

2007-05-08T00:01:00.000+08:00

My worry is brewing. I havent told her.
I am having doubts. I havent heard from them.
I am not at ease. I might have run out of those again.
I cant sleep. Too many demons haunting me.
I wont speak. Not to anyone about this.

Your reply when we woke up, gave away my title.

Anything for Her Night's Sleep

2007-04-30T04:20:00.000+08:00

A 4.23AM Affair, by A HAPPILY DYSFUNCTIONAL COUPLE

Miss Cranberry says:
please scan and print your ketiak please

Miss Cranberry says:
i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Miss Cranberry says:
i love your armpits

Karistiano Rokaldo says:
wait

Karistiano Rokaldo says:
i looking for anything to help me plug in the scanner

Karistiano Rokaldo says:
and gargle my mouth

Say What Contradicts, And Contradict What You Say

2007-04-30T03:19:00.000+08:00

Contradiction 1: What celebrity profile.

Contradiction 2: Thank you, all my fans for inviting me for a photograph.

Contradiction 3: I bought for Miss Polka Dots, a TAIK KUTIL for $1.50.

Contradiction 4: Mari ambik gambar tiga orang (fuck people, as long as I emphasize my face)!

Contradiction 5: Trust me, they initially wanted a two-person shot. Bleargh.

Contradiction 6: She is a big fan of me.

Contradiction 7: Stallion says: Cummon lah Herny, smoking is bad for you. Hellooooooooo.

Contradiction 8: Booooooogi says: Herny, dont look at me like a stealer. Right.

And why are they all my favourite again?

Kampong-Kamping

2007-04-15T02:11:00.000+08:00

I am grateful to present to you, ‘Solek-Golek’, and some say Kolek. This event was organised by five extremely egernetic executives who easily get higher without drinking, with the aid from lacking of sleep. Kudos to Miss All-Black, she did an awesome job bianstroming an alternative to old people cutting ribbon macam main-main kampong. You people out there simply don’t understand how INTENSE this is, like Toy Boy’s keris-fighting fetish at a visual arts exhibition. Soo Kampong. So, let’s all go Circular Road with Catwoman and gigit kasut together. Gerek kan gitu. Like Confetti Sireh.

Ini bukan kampong. Ini JAYUS.

You And Your Felony

2007-04-13T02:39:00.000+08:00

I sense a wicked spirit distracting you. Nevertheless, I shall quietly watch and wait, as you ignorantly prove yourself to the world, what a foolish liar you have been lately.

Why should I love you?

Pink Cosy Blankie For Blankie

2007-04-10T03:41:00.000+08:00

I was almost done seeking some uncountable premature photographs, then in a sudden bliss, they emerged from nowhere, justifying the fact that I have NOT been drooping around uncertainly okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. We had done a simple (somehow obvious) research on Blankie’s favourite colour. As we naughtily planned, PINK (euw!) became the new BLACK. Yes, The Boyfriend and I did our shit again.

Dear Blankie,
May you feel warmth and tender loving care from us. We are grateful that we found you too. In times of need, always remember our portable hug, a redundant but cute teddy bear, and some inedible hot milk (with a mini straw!) too. Thank you for inviting us to your kickass party. Once again, Happy Birthday. God Bless.

I have also learnt that one should NEVER allow:

1) The Boyfriend volunteering to open your present for you, because he might get a little more excited than you are. (See EVIDENCE)

2) The Boyfriend to wear his new t-shirt right after you buy it for him, because he might just focus the picture attention to his top rather than your faces. (See EVIDENCE)

It is called S-W-E-L-L-I-N-G.
*muscles in my tummy as I burst into massive laughter*

A Warm Hug to Love

2007-04-05T03:39:00.000+08:00

It has been an elongated phase of my life. One of ups and downs, with intense resolutions that I have created, it was just the way I wanted to mend the path of my existence. To those I seemed not to bother when I left, trust me, if I didn’t do it on my own, you darlings would have strangulated me back. A one-of-a-kind experience, I’ll cherish forever. Thank you all for standing by me.

Dear Miss Polka Dots,
I am sorry, that at the end, it isn’t going to be US, like our beginning. On Day 1, we vowed that WE were born for IT.

Dear Sashimi Sisters,
With you, I learnt that distance can never measure the care and concern that one has for you.

Dear Sexy Cleavage,
“You will never know, until you lost it.” And you won’t lose me, ever, if we try.

Dear Blackie,
I promise to replace you a t-shirt.

Dear Sheenie,
My best smoke-break buddy, one of my most pleasurable moments was knowing you. I miss BOBO.

And finally to My Girls,
It felt like we grew up together from scratch, your spirits I will lock safely in my heart and mind, regardless of how the future would be.

May God bless everyone else too, and shower them with love and pleasant destinies.

What Would You Do if I Was Dying in 4 Days?

2007-03-05T16:15:00.000+08:00

I stumbled into a forbidden territory, a diary I promised never to touch. But pondering over a great loss a day before I die would be worst. The verses and the phrases, all of them the same. Each fresh start equals to a fresh endeavour of giving, only the same. But fresh still. You thought you were the best thing that happened to him, but of course he wouldn’t tell you that you were really, the next best thing after all.

Golly said, “Don’t ever be like that. You will always be nice and beautiful. At least. In my eyes.” Thanks for telling me this now. It really helps after two years since you cheated on me. Another girl once told me that I was one of a kind, and that she loved me dearly, but in the end she left me anyway.

He doesn’t understand special. Because he slammed special after she left him for a bigger catch. He made me his Baby, a Baby he had terribly lost, more like he terribly needed a replacement to avoid embarrassment. But I wasn’t just a Baby; I was like Bank Baby or something. Trophy baby at times. Once, I was his Anniversary Baby, just because this loser never had a one-year acknowledgement before. The worst party I had ever gone to, I wished I hadn't gone out of my house at all.

I have simply given up, on all that we strived for. Things we thought would last and bloom to a perfect marriage. I truly appreciate you playing Sudoku while my computer crashed and the 'i-dont-know-what-to-do' face whenever I am troubled. NOW would be the end. The ultimate one.

I Have Finished 'The Butterfly Trap' by Dennis Jon

2007-02-08T20:13:00.000+08:00

You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass, it will come and sit on your shoulder. (pg 282)

Time after time, more and more doors were unlocked for me. First were the doors of opportunity and loopholes, then today, a thump at the door of my heart to this world.

There was a point of time in my past, where I totally gave up with everything I was working for. I felt like it had gotten me nowhere, but to more assholes. And then came the climax, I was questioning whether whatever I have worked for, would work for ME in the end.

It was an issue today; WE spoke about the epitome of one’s success and opportunities. He said, “You just have a likeable face, everyone who works with you just like you.” Am I not talented? Am I not competent enough? I have sexual dysfunctions you know, what makes you think I can shit around? The Look comes with The Personality, and a bit of harmless sucking up, I’d say. (Ermm…with sincere grace that is.)

I am not the type who would burn the bridge after I have crossed it. I hate competition. But I love working company. People who work WITH you, like a set of very ON! team players.

I am no perfect, and of course, I would think and say that I am, anyway. That’s just typically human. I am fine with gossips about me, because I gossip too. That’s human too. But deliberately hurting other people’s feelings like I am ALL THAT GREAT, that isn’t me. I’d say that’s inhumane. I might as well be Chop Chop, Feed To The Ducks (Thai Style).

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting. (pg 247)

The Little Things That Matter, And the Bulky Ones That Just Don’t.

2007-02-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

It is coming to the fourth/fifth week of school. Life hasn’t been easy, but good, somehow. People often try to stay in the safe zone, but trust me, it’s hardly any better to be safe than sorry. I have been sorry for the longest time, so trying to stay safe feels just as bad. I am saving that huge ass bulk in the past. All I care now is the minis of my present state.

I love and hate work. It keeps me going. And it stops me from going too. Keeping myself busy is lovely. But forgetting that I DO have a life sucks too. See, I’m turning into an extreme Libran. Too much of my GOODs, and BADs. This zodiac doesn’t actually work for humans, really. Because life is always giving too little or too much, nothing is ever a balance.

I am going to miss my Hong Kong desserts. They are leaving tomorrow, and then it’s the end of a momentary experience. I bought them some hand-made ‘Lucky Cat’ cards from the Zouk Flea Market. Mr Lucky Cat gave me a superb discount, but he insisted that it still didn’t include Miss Polka Dot’s participation points for last semester. HEHE.

I was browsing for some shades at Tangs, when I started to realise this sales assistant following me around. Just to make a straight point that I wasn’t interested to steal anything, I left the premise. (BUT I REALLY LOVE THOSE SHADES, THEY ACTUALLY FIT ME!) So, the smart me got Miss Polka Dot to take a peek on them with me during my second trip to that section of the department store.

SUDDENLY.

Sales Assistant: (Looks at ME) “Hi Miss, sorry to disturb you. I have been searching for you to come back here. Just want to ask a personal question. How do you do your eyebrows? It is very nice, looks natural.”

Kepo Miss Polka Dots: “Oh. She is an eyebrow specialist.”

Disgusted ME: “Ermm. I draw it myself. I use this grey shade of crayon I bought from SASA. I am damn CHEAPO. It costs only five dollars plus.”

Sales Assistant: “Ooooooooh. You are an eyebrow specialist. Where is your location?”

OMG & WTF ME: “No lah. I just help to do people’s eyebrows. But I am no specialist.” (Smiles and moved away, gesturing ‘BACK OFF’)

Like I said. It is always the little things that matter. Like MY eyebrows.

Humming to Starlight

2007-01-15T03:10:00.000+08:00

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

And hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Lets conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

WELOVEMUSE.

Nothing Out of the Ordinary - At the Playground

2007-01-13T20:07:00.000+08:00

On the 5th January 2007, a group of bored individuals decided to reconcile. I would like to thank Miss Polka Dots for her LATE forward of these photographs.

Dear BF, Please Get a Haircut

2007-01-13T18:34:00.000+08:00

I finally had a meeting with The President. Trust me, I wished I had met him sooner, anyway, my career is back on track. He was practically proposing one project after the other, damn stimulating, like bring me the money, baby. For the idiots who backed out despite MY efforts, it is YOUR loss, barely mine.

OMFG! STOP WHINING WOMAN!

Some thing hilarious happened today. I was waiting for the train at Orchard MRT station impatiently, and suddenly, a passenger service staff started babbling over the service microphone, "Aku makan rojak, mesti aku berak." Every awaiting passenger at both platforms burst out laughing.

We have reached our 11th anniversary on the 11th February 2007. Like OMG. I promised him a belly dance routine...but I guess it will be one tiny promise I have to break. Because I might probably get him a cool ass portfolio, and I bet he wouldn't trade that for anything right now. Am I smart or what. (When he read this, he said, "Please don't put me into this kind of position ah...*stupid merepek face*...aaaaaaaargh! This is not fair, this is blackmail. You wait till Saturday, I'll become a superstar.") Right, BF.

*and I gestured him to read the TITLE*

From the First Day of the End of My Life

2007-01-11T21:03:00.000+08:00

For the clueless junkheads, I truly mean SCHOOL. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it was not close to thaaaaaaaaat good somehow. Our names were called up, and Miss Sexy Bitch got extremely nervous. Surprisingly, I wasn’t. Because it was bound to happen anyway, I already resigned to my fate.

I was striving to be cheerful this time. Like saying HI to others and having them reciprocate keeps my mind clear. Think of happy things, I whispered. On my way out of school, I bumped into The Smelly Cheena, one whom I believed to be one of my favourite local visual artists of all time. His hair was longer, but maybe it’s the newfound girlfriend (I’m done harassing him to wear tight clothes). He pestered me to sit with him in the bus to redeem my biggest surprise. Thank you Shengen Lim, you know I really adore you. He was interviewed by TATLER and thus, was provided a two-page tribute on his success so far. It was a while since we chatted about life issues, I couldn’t think of anyone better than him at that moment. Oddly, we sat near the roadside along Bugis Street, smoking, and sharing our future plans. The next time, Coffee on you please.

I felt terrible joining the MEAN TEAM late. In spite of this, my girls were cool. I love Huggie’s little lappie. Slide-showing the photo turnouts, everyone laughed hysterically, including some other Starbucks patrons nearby. Miss Polka Dot even snorted. Euw woman! Thus, after gaining some muscles in the tummy section, we stuck again into our daily necessity – Tong Seng Nasi Ayam!

The Year of the Pig: MUHD is The New Kadir (hantu)

2007-01-06T15:42:00.000+08:00

After a decade of MIA-ing. He has arrived once again. Mr One-Eye-Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig! Double date? Why not. I would love to see your girl. Then impress her with MY super powers and snag her. Boleh? The BF just couldn’t stop getting in our way, which resulted in some pretty manipulative sabotage. I just hate to love the both of you.

My mother is a strong believer of astrology and such. Today she bought one on Chinese astrology and excitedly read out everybody’s signs. In fact, she took out a classic notebook, where she had written ALL my extended relatives’ birthdates so that she could compare luck with others. I was born in the year of the Ox. The BF is a rabbit, The Sister is a Dragon and my mother is a Snake. It was painful to argue about whose the best signs were. But she proclaimed that this year, is going to be good luck for Dogs and Horses. Tsk.

A cousin got engaged today and I surrendered my expertise in her make-up. It was a very last minute plan, but I am glad the outcome was superb. What’s even better? The Food. End.

The Last Train to Boon Lay Has Departed. Good Night.

2007-01-06T15:39:00.000+08:00

This is really K-E-K-E-K!

It was a Thursday night. It was cold and drizzling wet, but SHE still insisted on heading to Lau Pa Sat for dinner. More like a meeting actually, for her sister and boyfriend took an imaginary step up their positions at work. “Kita semua feeling manager ok. Pasal si bangau-bangau dah belah, gi company dinner,” said her boyfriend. He told her that he had sent a fax over to his assumingly in-law’s outlet, and he signed off as Manager -HIS NAME-. SHE had abused this power on her part too, when she began to arrange the packet of chips according to her fondness in the cafe.

Time passed so quickly, but the ‘managers’ couldn’t care less. The last train definitely won’t leave before 11.45pm, SHE thought. It was merely 11.36pm. So, they, the unholy Gundus, betrayed their sense of urgency to continue indulging in nonsensical conversations and free flow of Viceroy Menthol Lights.

Then along their sudden rush, they bumped into Miss Flintstones. The first thing she said, “Korang maseh ader train lagi ke?” The three continued to lag around, thinking they might still be luckily in time for their last one.

SHE saw the screen turn half-blanked. The sisters ran their hearts out, screaming a distant goodbye to the slow boyfriend who was attempting to snag a ticket. “Sorry boyfriend! I’ll have to leave you alone,” she exclaimed confidently. They dashed down the escalator, with unsophisticated 'kelamping-kelampung' of their sandals, and then they heard, "The last train to Boon lay has arrived," repeatedly. Her sister reached the platform first, and then they heard "The last train to boon lay has departed, thank you." They shrieked and almost cried. From a corner, her boyfriend called out impishly to them to inform them that they could still get home on another train which goes a longer route, and also ends at only Kranji.

So Kranji it was for the two girls. There they were, stranded there past midnight, having to spend the last cents in their pockets on a cab ride to reach home, finally.

Stupid Snobbish Handsome North Indian

2007-01-04T17:03:00.000+08:00

The whole day started fine. Because I met Aunty Dolly yesterday (she looked exactly the same. like OMG lah). I was introduced to her during my Black Canyon days. She cried as she spoke, and was indeed touched that I still recognised her, and for me to even bother saying Hi to her. But the moment she asked, "So, how is your handsome boy?" I was turned completely off, so I politely excused myself and promised her that I would come and visit another day.

(Back to today) But just when I thought things were going to get even better, MY TITLE came. Thanks, God. Why bring him to me and ruin everything? Nevertheless, my routine carries on. Sipping my Tall Chocolate Paradise with Whipped Cream and doing THIS. Am I excited to go to school or whaaaaaat. Honestly, HELL no. The Boss is heading to a long holiday, this means greater responsibility for me again. What a fantastic start to my new semester. Tsk.

For the past two nights, The Sister and I had managed to steal some private 'sister time' to chat and smoke extensively. I learnt so much about her, forgetting how she used to (still does) give me shit with our clashing bedroom mannerisms. This time, she mentioned, that she finally understood why for once I let go, of my usual care for her. I was always a big sister. I shared with her my experiences and friends. She had quite an easy life.

But it all came to one point, when she realises that relationships with people aren’t the easiest to deal with, where friends change and turn to enemies, competition and monsters. People start judging one another, or join a certain clique to prove their superiority and network. She was getting sick of everything, but as she tried to gather some mood to improve, she was hindered by WORK. I always reminded her that our life is definitely blessed, but never quite easy. Being at a young age, supporting yourself to survive in a cosmopolitan Singapore, most of the time, you'll be sacrificing Yourself. Dealing with many different people and environment in a day, you keep changing your attire, your words and your mannerisms. You may only treat people the way they let you, I told her. I didn’t mean, to manipulate people, but it is similar to dealing with demanding customers at work, some prefer less noodles, or more soup, or no onions, no noodles but only beansprouts, and the craziest I have served: a Korean who requests for, "Steam Black Chicken, just put Beef soup. I want more bean sprouts, and some pickled carrots. Mix the noodles, Kway Teow and Bee Hoon. Soak one fried Vietnamese Spring Roll inside and if can, got century egg or not?''

You certainly can’t please everyone. Period.

The Simple Trip

2007-01-02T21:42:00.000+08:00

Waking up was pleasant, and that is pretty rare too. *smiles*

I could have just hopped in Daddy's car, but I was attacked by mere laziness and a tiny hope to conquer the house for some wild hours. When The Cousin bubbled his plan to fetch me and head to Johore together, I was crushed. I bet some idiots would have crap to comment later, (apparently, that happened). But I'll get to that later.

It has been a while since I wandered to Johore on my own. Eerie thoughts of robberies and perverts hit me furiously. And then, the-next-worst-scenario occurred. The Aunty, who was supposed to meet me at Woodlands Checkpoint, was late. Very unforgivably late. So I strived to reach the hotel soon enough, on my own. Easy Peasy Mangorita ride I supposed. Traffic was smooth and not many rowdy people around. EXCEPT for that Pakcik Gatal. Fucker checked out my cleavage, and before I knew it, he waved some cash towards me, grinning impishly. I am not a bloody hooker, I wouldn’t ever fuck you. Ill perhaps video you hideously naked and send it to your entire family. Asshole.

It was almost Marghrib, and everyone instantly left for dinner at Danga Bay. Dinner was super yummy. Food were delicious! And the best thing was, my WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY (including extended relatives) were present. It became a heart-warming and tearful event, while the kids were jackass-ing at Fun Fair. Then came supper, at Stulang, where The Sister flirted with a cute Mat Burger. He also has a speech flaw, The 'th' syndrome. Just like The BF. "Burger daging eh? Nak thspecial ke biathse? thSebelas ringgit tujuh puluh...Erm, thSebelas aje lah. Muka adik cantik."

KICKASS CLAthSSIC MAN.
*evil laugh*

Our short holiday turned out to be super enjoyable (for the fact that we didn’t need auto-roaming too), gathering with close relatives is something that I look forward to more now. Breakfast was another funny experience. EVERYONE stole! No.1 took butter and honey packets, and hid them in an empty Potato chips bag, pretending to snack. No.2 had three muffins wrapped in serviettes, kept in the pocket. The Sister took an unlimited amount of junk too, and hid it cunningly in her pouch. My Mom almost sacrificed her headscarf to wrap Nasi Lemak for The Fify. All the weird things people would do to steal food from the breakfast buffet at the hotel.

That’s another simple, yet perfect trip.

The Dick reads FHM

2007-01-02T21:36:00.000+08:00

An amazing beginning to 2007. A twist of fate had brought my experiences to another level. Finally, I got to be in the OC.

The festive celebration was awesome. I had lots of savoury rice – my ultimate favourite. Like I was anticipating, the hang-out with the family was great. People caught up with one another, chilling with the family weren’t so dreadful after all. An engagement is happening this weekend. One shock after the other. Soon everyone is gonna look at me (please eh, I am not getting married soon, thank you). It was foremost one of the best times, for the fact that I didn’t sleep too.

Tucking my bottle in The Sister’s bag, I got changed and left for Vivocity. The BF was exceptionally early (with a dense frown), and we stock up some food for our survival expedition at Sentosa. By then, I was starting to lose hope. And eventually I gave up, told everyone not even bother coming. Passing too many half-drunk bangles, we decided to head to Pahlawan beach instead of Siloso. My goodness! The facilities were splendid! Firstly, the shuttle bus to Sentosa was 24 hours. Then at Pahlawan, there were a 24-hour 7-eleven (mind you, the one at the beach station closes at 10pm), a cool food court beside it and many neon-twirlers. The beach wasn’t packed, but capacitated the perfect amount of people I desired.

Resting on the wooden bench, feasting on junk and my much-loved fresh coconut drink with you. We created an adventure for ourselves. The ice chilled our honeywine, and Original Cheese Twisties complimented our serving. Our spot was quiet, simple and private, surrounded by safety. We could do whatever we liked, whatever we felt. Then, at the strike of midnight, your lips touch mine, our glasses quarter-drunk to the accompaniment of colourful fireworks. The ships and cruises did their thing. Then your crazy-ness slipped into mine. We hugged like we never did, sung like we never did, kiss like we hardly did. Those were the best times of my life.

Later, we joined The Cousin and his clique. The Cousin got pissed drunk but we saved our free ride home. I missed bumping in the van. Simpang was funny. Because we weren’t actually enjoying breakfast, but hysterically mocking at drunk casualties. The sun was up when The BF finished his goodbye kiss. But I am hardly done with my story.

I literally mean the title.

Tell Me Like You Know Me

2006-12-31T02:06:00.000+08:00

“Baby, please. Find yourself. Your boyfriend is sitting here, waiting for you to come back. He misses you. A lot. I'm at the edge of my sanity. Very few people ever understand the words that flow from these fingers as they tap on this keyboard, hitting the right keys to complete my words, my sentences and eventually the final package which, in this case, is this post. I still see bits of you every now and then. The essence of Hernyriany, the one I fell in love with. Find who you really are. I love you, and I say that without the slightest bit of reluctance because I know for a fact that you know it's true, it's damn true. Even though I don't see YOU, I look beyond all that and I find you somehow, those many times when I would just look at you and smile to myself, times when I find myself looking at you dead on in the eyes, I do see YOU. That's when I tell you I love you and I know you listen.” (Taken from ‘The Night Where Pigs Actually Flew’. 15/11/06.)

Moral of the extract, nothing is absolute. Time flies, people change, bread becomes toast and eventually bread crumbs. Pick a name for someone; choose a word to recognise him/her, not one based on your personal judgements. It is simple. Didn’t I say I get disillusioned with life when I am down? The BF said his part. In actual implication, I understood his compassion. My personality is my choice. As complex as it is, or as hard as it is to understand me, the pact here is our friendship. And that’s where I’ll never let you down. Done.

Thank you Baby for always making things clear for me.

The River Breathes No More

2006-12-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

It became a scared place I never touch anymore. The affair has faded. It was a space I would seek to wallow and chuckle my stings away. It made me secure a part in a whole, nothing I do is wrong. Cats sit with me when I am lonely. The buskers play and I listen to my favourites. The tide used to speak my mood. The moon had always saved me from drowning. Reflection of neon lights against the strong blanket surfacing its depth. Passer-bys hung out in the dark, reminding me of my encounters with people. The silent cold breeze wraps my body with sheer comfort, one I was never able to embrace with my own family. But I shared it with too many. Many different spots of their own. But too many now. Then I met Him and we explored new spaces of life. My love for that life was gone. Someday I’d come back, and attempt to make it mine. But that would never be. You never get what you surrendered yourself. That river, I declare, is no longer mine.

Doing the Typical: Goodbye 2006…and Hello 2007

2006-12-30T17:46:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is going to a hell of a busy day. For the first time, I really can’t wait to catch up with my cousins. I came to realise, I have quite a family. For so many years, I have done nothing but deny the existence of people who are truly jammed to me by blood. It is all going to change, people. And PEOPLE, of course, are not going to include that one man I truly miss. In the name of the almighty, I am sorry. Just not for now.

Oh. Someone was asking, why the airlines? Simple. I am building an asset. No offence to kids who have been brought up well, financially. But I have learnt things the hard way even before I grew breasts. Miss Polka Dots says: What breasts!? You are obviously flat-chested Miss Cranberry, who loves to think that she is Indian. And for God’s sake, you’ll be a flat-chested Indian then. I recognize the importance of being very independent. And being independent is EXPENSIVE in Singapore. Try it yourself and tell me.

Friday night was the shit. In the hopes of NOT being stranded, The Diva came to my rescue while I was queuing at the bank. He saw me half-drunk (right!); The Boss, The Chef and I (plus some aunties) had an effortless New Year drinking party at the Deli. Vietnamese beer is groovy. Anyway. I did massive shopping again, chilled at Starbucks (third time in a row), checking out hot dudes (who would have nothing to do with me because they are gay) and finally grabbed hold of The BF for a late-night date.

The twist: We had company.
The Sister and Nicole-Richie-Not joined me at the last minute during dinner. Before we knew it, The Nurse came by with The Zoukie. “NYE, lu mesti jumpa gua ah,” said the Nurse.

The movie chosen (by ME! Duh!) was The Curse of the Golden Flower. I called it the ‘Tetek Show’. You practically see boobs everywhere in the film. Fine. Only half. But I was dying to analyse some views about the movie criticisms. The extravagant clothes. Make-up. The cultural etiquettes. Jay Chou. (What a bluff!) And the session ended perfectly, the way I would always wanted it to be; the historical analysis of the pasts’ unfortunate events. The BF didn’t hesitate to prove his intellects. And Nicole-Richie-Not impressed me, a better historian than a eunuch.

I should start a book club soon. Heee Heee.

I am feeling early for this, but goodbye 2006…and hello 2007.